There’s A Rapper In My House

“Mom, do rappers get paid because I’ve been working on a rap song. Check this out…

Boom chicka bam bam, looking through a rubber band.

Boom chicka bam bam, looking through underwear.

Boom chicka bam bam, I think it’s time to eat a pear.

             Boom chicka bam bam, do you think I really care?

…and I’m gonna make my rap name ‘Yo Kid’ because I’ll probably say ‘yo’ a lot and I’m already a kid”  Jay-8

Believe me…I’m all for a rap career and the perks that go with it, but I think Jay is going to have to overcome some hurdles to get his rap career off the ground. The main problem is this…the kid’s life is way too cushy. A peanut butter and jelly eating white kid from the suburbs is going to have a tough time being taken seriously as a rapper. Kanye West and Eminem will chew him up and spit him out. I can imagine that P. Diddy will take one look at him, choke on his Cristal, and shout, “You are one sorry ass excuse for a rapper. Boy, you need to have some pain in your life.” He’d be right, this kid hasn’t had enough adversity. He needs some hardship. So here’s what I plan to do about it.

1.  Pack your own damn lunch. No self-respected rapper has their mother pack their lunch. They either pack their own or eat the school lunch, if they even eat at all. There’s no whining over what Mom packed for lunch, “But Mom, I don’t like that kind of yogurt and I can’t eat these fruit snacks…they’re not organic.”

2.  Lose the scooter and the Batman bike helmet, you look like a wimp. Can you imagine Biggie Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G., scootering around Brooklyn on a red Razor scooter, wearing a Batman helmet, while chomping on a blue freeze pop? Hell no! That’s a sure-fire way to get your rapper ass kicked right out of Brooklyn. By the way, it doesn’t matter that we don’t live in Brooklyn, from now on your walking.

 3.  Quit tattling. The rapping community frowns upon excessive tattling. No more ratting out your brother and sister. Rappers keep it on the down low.

 4.  Goodbye Power Ranger and Spiderman underwear. You can’t be a respected rapper with Ninja Turtle underwear hanging out of your baggy name brand jeans. You’ll be the laughing-stock of the rap community. From now on, it’s striped or plaid boxers. I don’t care that “your boys” don’t feel secure. You’re a rapper now, so toughen up.

 5.  We’re skipping the braces. I don’t care that your teeth are a wreck. Instead, we’ll make a homemade grill out of aluminum foil. We’ll jack it up with some sequins and glitter from the craft store. This will save me thousands in orthodontist bills.

 6.  Get a girlfriend. In fact, get a few. Rappers are famous for their entourage of beautiful women. I don’t care if you think that, “girls are weird and talk too much.” It’s all about your image.

 7.  Quit smiling so much, your too damn happy. Eminem never cracks a smile. He’s busy thinking about dark depressing themes he can rap about. I don’t care that you find it hilarious that your brother can perform the entire Star Spangled Banner with his armpit. No more laughing and smiling…think about the time your fish died.

 8.  Every rapper needs a good stage name. Ask your friends to refer to you as “Yo Kid”. I’ll make a note of your name change in this year’s Christmas card. Your grandparents might balk, but they’ll eventually come around.

9.  You need to become a Yankees fan and fast. I don’t care that you’re a die-hard Phillies fan. It’s a prerequisite in the rapping community…they won’t let you in if you’re not. Rules are rules, so suck it up.

10. It’s a good thing you’re already a momma’s boy. Rappers love their mothers. In fact, they love them so much that they continuously shower them with extravagant gifts, trips, homes, cars and jewels. They never fail to attribute their success, fame and fortune to their mothers.

 “And Mom, just so you know, I’m never trying out for American Idol. They don’t take rappers.” Jay-8


A mother's plight to find the funny in the frustrating and save her sanity.
This entry was posted in funny kid quotes, Humor, kids, Parenting and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to There’s A Rapper In My House

  1. So freaking funny. My oldest was a rap fanatic at that age. Would that blogs had been around then.


  2. Bwahahahahaha! Jay should meet up with my Number One son… He’s positive he’s getting drafted to the NFL. 🙂


  3. John Erickson says:

    I’m not so sure about #4. I can proudly say I’ve never checked out a rapper’s backside that closely. Well, never a MALE rapper’s backside. 😉
    You want pain? MAKE him get the braces, and the headgear, the whole nine yards. Shoot, have the orthodontist grind a few of his teeth to make the stuff fit! That should give him pain for LOTS of songs! 😀
    And enjoy the time when he thinks girls are weird. WAY too soon, all he’ll talk about is girls. (Count yourself lucky – I bypassed girls and went straight to quoting stats of World War 2 tanks!)


  4. mema says:

    His grandfather & I all over #9. We’d be delighted to welcome him to the “Yankee Nation.” We’ll let him borrow one of our Yankee hats. Heck, we’ll even lend him our Derek Jeter bobblehead and he can stick one of our Yankee pencils behind his ear. Then, and only then, will he be a true rapper!


    • I knew you’d be happy with that one since you’ve been trying to brainwash my children for years. How about the name change? Do you have a problem with Yo Kid?


      • mema says:

        Maybe if he went with Yo Kid Yankee, we’d feel better about it.


        • I’ll see what I can do. 😉


          • Dad says:

            Thankfully that’s never going to happen. Will refuses to wear his Mets hat as soon as we leave the
            field after every game. We went for ice cream the other night and he would not get out of the car
            with his Mets hat – samething at the barber shop yesterday. He is enjoying the season but looking forward to the season being over so that he can burn his Mets hat in our fire pit. Some of his teammates want to come over for this by the way (all good
            Phillies fans playing reluctantly for the Mets). What does this have to do with the Yanks you may ask…
            The only time Will roots for the Mets is when they play the Yankees. Jay and Anna are on board as well.
            I raised (brainwashed) them well.The Yankess stink – Go Phils!


          • You’ve surpassed your “one quote per day” allowance. You’re going to scare off my blogging friends with your fanatical Phillies fan rants. 😉


          • John Erickson says:

            Hey, no problem on the Phillies rants. Two of my favourite online bloggers go off regularly on baseball, and I still read them every day. Besides, we Cubs fans are used to the inane rants from fans of lesser teams! 😉


          • Dad says:

            Nothing like the bleachers at Wrigley. I have been there many times and always had fun. My 2nd favorite ballpark.


  5. Hilarious, yo!
    I like the artwork – that would look pretty good on several million jewel cases, don’t you think? Or the cover of Rolling Stone? 🙂


  6. Bearman says:

    My mom made me make my own lunch and I didn’t even want to be a rapper.


  7. Isabella says:

    Your blog is BRILLIANTLY funny! When our crew of five was younger, their antics had us in stitches. We kept telling ourselves to write these gems down….and sadly didn`t. The first grand-child is arriving this summer. Hmmm…..a second chance, methinks?

    Keep up the hilarity! Humor really is the key to successful parenting. 🙂


    • Thanks Isabella! I’m so glad you popped over to check things out. I’m planning on using this blog as blackmail if need be. 😉
      Congrats on your first grand-baby! I hear grandchildren are even better than your own children…that’s what my parents say!
      I agree…humor is the key to parenting and to life! i hope you stop back.


  8. Haha! As a father of a child who is just beginning to talk this site is going to hit right home. You know, if he wants to be a rap star, I think there is hope. There are actually many rap stars that come from not-so-ghetto upbringings. If rap doesn’t work, maybe you can pay some company to write him a song and do a music video like the “Friday” chick on YouTube.


    • Hey Heshat! Thanks for stopping in to check out the nonsense. Your blog is hilarious. I can only imagine how the idea was born. 😉
      I don’t know the “Friday” chick on YouTube. I’ll have to check her out.


  9. Megan says:

    My mom still makes my lunch. I guess I’ll never be a rapper. This was so great.


  10. Haha… quit tattling! Rappers keep it on the down low! Hahahaha.. If only that would really work, my house might be slightly more peaceful! Oh… great post! I’m loving your blog!


    • “Keep it on the down low” is going to be my new mantra. The tattling in this house is at an all time high, I’m glad you can relate. 😉 Thanks so much for popping in and for taking the time to comment. I hope you’ll stop back.


  11. dragonfae says:

    ROTFL! OMG this is just too funny. I love your list! 😀


  12. I don’t usually listen to rap, but I would absolutely buy that song by Yo Kid.


  13. Dad says:

    What do you think he is going to do about the noise? He used to cry at college basketball games b/c they were too loud. BTW, I got them to stop fighting on the way to school today by having a deep discussion about fart sounds and if you can tell how bad a fart stinks by the sound. Needless to say they stop fighting and started laughing. It doesn’t matter how old boys are – farts are always funny.


    • Diamond ear plugs…all the rappers are wearing them!
      When in doubt…talk about farts. I think the schools should use this as a tactic when the class gets out of hand. “Now children come sit down on the purple rug. We are going to have a fart demonstration this afternoon.” That should get their attention.


  14. Tori Nelson says:

    Hahaha! “Pack your own damn lunch” Hilarious and pretty valid. You can’t be gangsta if your mama still cuts the crust off for you.


  15. jacquelincangro says:

    You know, I live in Brooklyn, where all the legit rap moguls grew up. So here’s what I’m gonna do. I’ll show Jay around, introduce him to the peeps, give him the 4-1-1. All that for a small cut of the take. It’s an offer you can’t refuse, if ya know what I’m sayin’.


  16. ladymoomcr says:

    haha i love this – had me chuckling along. Good stuff !


  17. anjiknut says:

    Brilliant! Especially N° 10.


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