“Mom, I realized something was up with the whole Tooth Fairy story when I found out kids at school were getting $10 bucks a tooth and all I got was a stinking buck…and mine didn’t even have cavities!” Anna-10
I think the American Dental Association should seriously consider distributing pamphlets containing universal Tooth Fairy rules. The pamphlets could be handed out along with the highly anticipated new toothbrush and spool of floss at the end of each visit. This would keep parents on the same page and help to avoid a lot of grief. Here’s what I propose.
1. All correspondence with the Tooth Fairy should be discouraged. This seems like a good idea for excited first timers, but believe me, with the loss of the fourth and fifth tooth it just becomes a big pain in the ass.
2. Absolutely no trinkets of any kind…no Matchbox Cars, Polly Pockets or cans of Play-Doh should be substituted for cash. This just makes less enthusiastic parents look bad.
3. $1.00 per tooth maximum. No exceptions. There’s no need to be excessive…nobody likes a show-off.
4. Discourage your child from setting Tooth Fairy traps. This will only result in injury and a trip to the emergency room at 2 am. Believe me, you don’t heal like you used to.
5. A path to the tooth should be cleared of all debris. Stepping on a stray Lego or Barbie shoe will only thwart your plan as you’ll be discovered when your child awakes to your shouts of obscenities.
6. All teeth should be disposed of by flushing down the toilet. It may seem like a good idea to keep the teeth for sentimental reasons, but discovering them in the bottom of your jewelery box several years later will only feel strange and very Jeffrey Dahmeresque.
7. A dose of Benadryl should be considered when dealing with a light sleeper. You don’t want to get caught with your hand under the pillow.
8. When dealing with cavity-ridden teeth, parents may choose to send a subtle message to their child by crumpling the dollar bill before placing it under the pillow.
9. Refrain from your evening cocktail. Each sip increases the likelihood that you’ll nod off and forget your responsibilities.
10. In the event that you do forget your Tooth Fairy duties…blame it on the weather.
Suggestions are encouraged and greatly appreciated.