Anna: God, Mom! I’m so irritated today. Ugh!
Me: Me, too. Must be the rain. Wanna fight?
Anna: Ok. What should we fight about?
Me: I don’t care. Go ahead, I’ll let you pick.
Anna: Umm…how about how annoying it is when you & Dad totally stalk everything I do? You constantly check my grades, you read my texts, you look at my Instagram page. Let’s fight about my lack of privacy.
Me: Good try, sweetie, but that sort of privacy is non-negotiable for a 13-year-old girl. Pick something realistic to fight about.
Anna: How about how embarrassing your car is? Seriously, there’s nothing more embarrassing than a bright-white minivan. It’s a serial killer’s car.
Me: Listen, I’m not that thrilled to be driving a minivan either, so I’m not going to fight you on that one, but I’ll disagree that it’s a serial killer’s car. I bet you can’t name a single serial killer that drives a white Honda Odyssey.
Anna: Then, how about the fact that we never have anything good to eat in this house?
Me: Forget it. Any additional junk food will just cause your brothers to break more stuff. I’ve got one! How about how you constantly leave your wet towels all over your bedroom floor? That always fires me up.
Anna: Sorry, but I’ve picked mine up for the last 3 days. If you want someone to be mad at, I saw a wet towel on Will’s floor last night.
Me: Fair enough. I’ll yell at him later. What about your test grade in English?
Anna: No way! Dad yelled at me for about 5 hours last night. He already covered the “if you continue to get grades like that, you’ll be lucky to scrub toilets at McDonalds” speech. Pick something else.
Me: How about your lunch box? I’m still mad that you lost it. That was an expensive lunch box!
Anna: Hey, I didn’t lose it. It’s not my fault.
Me: Of course, it’s your fault. Did you check the Lost & Found?
Anna: Nah, I didn’t bother. Someone probably stole it. It’s not a big deal, just buy another one.
Me: Maybe I’ll call the school and see if they’ll make an announcement about your missing lunch box. What do you think?
Anna: Mom, don’t! They probably wouldn’t do it anyway.
Me: Better yet, what if I go to the school and ask if I can make an announcement over the loud speaker? Maybe something like this…
“A very happy hello to all of you wonderful junior high students! This is Anna Kate’s mom. You may know me from my extremely-embarrassing-bright-white-serial-killer-looking minivan. Anyway, if you’ve accidentally stolen my daughter’s super-duper cute lunch box, go ahead and eat whatever remains inside, then please return it immediately. I’m offering a reward for it’s safe return in the form of junk food…a box of Kraft Mac & Cheese, a liter of Mountain Dew and a half-eaten bag of Sour Patch Kids which may contain my 10-year-old’s missing tooth. Thank you and have a lovely day.”
Anna: Don’t worry, I’ll check the Lost & Found today.
Me: Good idea!
OMG now this is the best.
deb
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Thanks, Deb! 🙂
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I am laughing so hard right now. I’m also grading final projects which includes some original scripts. Why can’t they be as good as yours. A++ 😀
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Awww! Thanks, Lisa…that’s an enormous compliment!
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What an awesome way to diffuse irritability…..I’m going to try this with my husband:))) Awesome post!!!! My son lost his lunch box for a few days, looked in the lost and found (nothing) then he came home with it yesterday. Got put in someone else’s back pack….luckily we have a ton and they’re all cheapos:)
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Thanks, Michelle! Still waiting for the lunchbox to magically appear over here. 😉
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It sounds like fun…What do you want to fight about when I get home?
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You know, parents are so unfair to us guys. They tell us not to fight with girls, drill it into our little impressionable heads. Then they forget to tell us how much fun it is … well, you know, … AFTER the fight! 😉
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Only if the woman wins!;)
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That, at least, is a GOOD thing my Dad taught me – “There’s right, there’s wrong, and there’s dead. Unless you’re fighting with your wife – then there’s you’re wrong, or you starve and sleep outside.” My memory lapses caused by my medications only make my life easier – “Gee, I must’ve forgotten that. Sorry, honey.” 😉
(Most girls practice “I Do” over and over when they dream about being married. Boys should practice “Sorry, honey”. Makes it easier to say even when you know DANG well you’re NOT wrong! 😀 )
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Your Dad sounds like a very wise man!
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OOOOH, are you sure you want to ask that question?
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I know, right? Not too bright on his part.
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The laundry is always a good place to start. When we’re done, we can argue about the empty toilet paper roll left on the holder.
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Yeah, nothing like the premise of a public embarrassment to command instant obedience. Does you van have the really dark side windows? If not, you can get some plastic film from Wal-Mart to stick to the windows. Get ’em nice and black. Then take a piece of black construction paper, roll it into a tube, and tape it to the front of your camera, then just sit out in front of the school. It’s a great test to judge your police department’s response time. And sense of humour (or direct lack thereof 😀 ).
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I love this idea. I’ll also invest in a creepy fake mustache. 😉
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Seems like I was persecuted pretty badly when I was 13. I wonder why everyone abuses teenagers so horribly.
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Did you have an older sister? My boys feel terribly persecuted by their older sister.
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Actually, I do.
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Then you’ll understand why Jay offered to pay $100.00 for a new sister this past weekend. 😉
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It’s good you can discuss what you want to argue about!
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That’s about the extent of my enthusiasm at 6:45 in the morning.
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‘Yo Adrian!!! Check out my new lunch box…’
🙂
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Hahaha! It was a flowered lunch box. Extremely masculine and the perfect place to store a thermos of raw eggs! 😉
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You are no fun…you don’t fight.
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It was 6:45am…way too early to fight. I at least have to wait for the coffee to kick in. Then watch out!
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I hope I am not going to have to ride in that embarrassing minivan this summer!! Long live teenagers!!!
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I’m so embarrassed, I think I’m going to start driving around with a bag over my head.
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I think you should still go to her school and make that announcement. That’ll teach her to get her lunch box “stolen”!
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Maybe I’ll sing the announcement. Make it even more dramatic! Have I mentioned that I’m completely tone deaf?
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